The Penny on the Record

I have been known to say some crazy stuff in my yoga classes. I'm often reminded of espousing "wisdom" while talking about pine cones, archeologists, trash dumpsters, kid's bendy straws and dead caterpillars. Who knows where this stuff comes from and sometimes they hit the mark; sometimes not. One day though, I spoke of the Penny on the Record.

Back when I was unhappily married I read a book. The book was meant to help me decide whether my marriage was A) worth staying in or B) worth getting out of. In fact, the name of the book was Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay and at the time it summed up my relationship very succinctly. Those days seem long ago and I barely remember the details of the book. One section in the book however, has stuck with me to this day. In the chapter on communication, there was a section called off the table-itis. This phrase refers to a conversation style whereby one person introduces an issue that they want/need to discuss and the other person takes the topic of the table with a tactic I call divergence. In the most damaging scenarios, this divergence tactic is also coupled with an opportunity to criticize, belittle or character bash. Over the course of a marriage, this can (and did in my case) lead to one partner getting lots and lots of practice with their off the table-itis, and the other partner losing their voice and sense of center entirely. It can lead to self doubt and a loss of any ounce of self esteem. It is extremely insidious and very damaging.

The Penny on the Record came to me while I was teaching a group of women at a substance abuse treatment facility. From the moment I taught my first class to this beautiful group of women I could see we had so much in common: we had lost our center. Losing your center looks many different way to many different people. I can lead to drug and alcohol addiction, homelessness, compulsive behavior, self injurious behavior, danger courting behavior, suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety. Take your pick. Of course many other components play a part in losing your center, but the core component is the loss of one's way. When's you've lost your way you have lost your sense of true north, or your center. Like playing an intricate video game, you end up following one path after another until you are so far from where you started you must summon herculean effort in order to get back there! If you have forgotten how to get back, or worse--where you started from to begin with, well then--game over. As I looked at these women and spoke to these women I saw that they were at a critical point in their journeys. This was their opportunity to come back to themselves.  To find their center; their true north.

When I had my realization about my husband and his off the table-itis, I made a vow to myself. In the end, I would stay in my marriage, but I would not allow his off the table-itis to flourish. I would not get angry, I would not defend myself or judge myself and I would not judge him. I simply would stay in my center. As I was teaching yoga to the women in rehab I was reminded of what this felt like, and an image took hold in my  mind. "Imagine" I told them, "that you are a penny in the center of a record. All around you things are spinning and whirling around and yet you stay put there in the center. You are able to see things happening all around you yet there you stay. Life has a way of drawing us toward the outer edges of the record and before we know it whoosh, we've flown right off. Caught up in the centrifugal force of life until we end up someplace unimaginable. Your breath will keep bringing you back to the center of the record. Your yoga practice reminds you what it is to be in the center of the record and to simply observe what is happening around you."

I realized then that since I had returned to my marriage, I had been able to be the penny on the record in my marriage. When off the table-itis would rear its head,  I would remind myself to be a calm observer but to stay put in my center. It worked (though the marriage did not) and I found myself strength and my true north once again. It was not an easy task. It take consciousness, mindfulness and breath. There are forces all around us pulling us to the edges. Friends (toxic ones), bosses, colleagues and romantic partners can all suffer from off the table-itis which is a strong magnetic force to our pennies on the record. If you can not create space between you and these people, you can at least allow your yoga, meditation, breathing and mindfulness practice to remind you of your center. Tap into your true north, and keep your penny in the center of the record.